One Word Is All I Need [Paju/Hannu]
Jan. 6th, 2016 01:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
roesslyngTitle: One Word Is All I Need
Fandom: A Redtail's Dream
Characters/Pairing: Paju/Hannu
Rating: E for Everyone
Length: 2.1k
Summary: She's been wanting to say it for a long time. Tonight's as good a night as any. Isn't it?
Other: Written for Daéa. :D
One Word Is All I Need
Snow. Light. A crisp black sky. The solstice had passed weeks ago, but the winter dark still lingered.
It was a warm afternoon, nearly evening. Warm enough to snow, the fat fluffy flakes falling down, catching in the light from the streetlamps. Catching, too, in the golden glow that spilled out from the windows of the Kuikka general store.
Paju stood outside, pausing as if thinking of something, as if trying to remember what she had come to pick up. But that wasn't the reason she had for lingering there. Her gaze swept up to the windows.
She could see Hannu in there, slacking in the last few minutes of his shift. Talking to Ville, who would stay a while longer after he left. Paju knew this, had been noting their schedules, had been observing these details for a while now.
As she watched, Hannu smiled. It must have been at something Ville had said. It was a good look for him. He did it more now; in the past year, she had seen him smile more than she ever had before. He seemed happy, far happier than he used to be.
He looked happy today, too.
Why not today, then? Paju thought about it for a moment. Ran through the approaches she had considered, the lines she had practiced to herself.
Today was as good a time as any. All right, then.
Up the steps. Into the store. Light and sound and warmth, a contrast to the outside's crisp darkness. She bought the bread she had come to get, and fended off Joona's suggestion that she stay and chat a while.
"You might be on break again," she said, "but I'm busy. I need to get home." And as Hannu passed, she called out to him. "Hannu!"
He stopped, looking toward her, coat half zipped and hat shoved on his head, his expression one that suggested he couldn't really decide whether he should stop or keep walking.
Typical of him.
"We're going in the same direction. Let's walk together."
"... Uh. Okay."
A pause. "And do up your coat. It's cold out there."
The night was quiet. Silent, compared to the noise inside the store. Their feet crunched the snow as they went.
Hannu said nothing, going with his hands in his pockets, his head up, looking toward the stars.
Paju bit at her lower lip. Recalled, again, all the ways that she had decided this could go. The ways that it should go.
Now was as good a time as any.
"Hannu?"
"...Yeah?"
"Is there anyone you're interested in?"
"What?"
"Romantically."
He stopped. She stopped, too. Turning to face him, she looked him over. There was a startled look on his angular face, like a deer caught in headlights.
"What?" he asked again, and Paju had to hold back the impulse to strangle him.
I'm going to get nowhere if this keeps up, she thought. At times, even at the best of times, Hannu was not the brightest young man she had ever met. He was having one of those moments now.
Maybe words weren't the best approach, she thought. Maybe something else would work better.
Steeling herself, she braced her nerves, and stepped closer. Just half a step. Close enough to do what she needed to do; close enough to lean in and graze a kiss against his cheek. Maybe it would be enough to get him to take the hint.
Then she stepped back. Breathed in a deep gulp of cold air and ignored the way her insides twisted and turned. "Well?"
It was hard to read his face. What little light there was in the air played thinly over it, obscuring his expression. "I didn't know you felt that way," he muttered after a moment.
"How–" How could you not know?! She wanted to scream it at him. Instead she bit her tongue. She had thought she had been obvious about it, had been making herself clear for years. How could he not have seen it?! "And how do you feel about it?"
Another long pause. "I need to think about it."
"You don't know?!"
"I need," he repeated, more firmly this time, "to think about it."
They stared at each other in the dim light. Paju seethed, unsure what was worse – that she had stepped forward to begin with, or that she had received a non–answer. Finally, Hannu sighed and stuffed his hands in his pockets again, expression settling down to something more familiar: fed up and tired.
"Come on," he said, nodding down the sidewalk. "I'll walk you home."
Paju pursed her lips. A part of her wanted to refuse, wanted to toss her hair and tell him to just go by himself. But there was no point; they were going in the same direction.
"Fine."
"... Fine."
They said nothing the rest of the way. There was nothing but the crack of snow underfoot, the whistle of a breeze as the wind kicked up, the huff of their breath in the cold.
Paju faced straight ahead, not bothering to glance at him even once, feeling icy and disappointed.
They stopped outside her house. Paju frowned. Glanced at him. Thought, but did not say: You still have a chance.
Hannu seemed to know what she meant by that look. His expression flickered. But he said nothing about that; simply gave her a nod and a wave.
"See you later," he said.
"... See you."
Door. Inside. Light. Warmth pressing to her icy face, her frozen cheeks, like the kiss she had wanted but hadn't received. Paju shut the door hard, nearly slammed it, and leaned back against it for a moment, biting her lip and screwing her eyes shut and letting the snow on her boots melt into the mat.
Something inside of her was wound up too tight. Something she couldn't quite place, nestled deep inside her chest. It was like a tightly–coiled spring, twisted so hard that it could break at any moment.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Fine, she thought. It doesn't matter. He's an idiot and it doesn't matter.
Coat off. Boots off. Bread in the kitchen. She put the coffee on. Breathed in as the scent filled the room.
She paced through the house. Glanced, after a moment, out the wide front window.
There was a figure out there in the dark, pacing up and down the sidewalk, hands in his pockets, head down, as if deep in thought.
She watched. Hannu stopped. Pulled something out of his pocket. The bright screen from the phone illuminated his pale face for a moment, his expression too unclear and far away to read.
In the kitchen, she heard her phone ping a text message.
She waited, watching as he shoved his phone back in his pocket, ran an uncertain hand through his hair, then trudged off toward his house. Barely willing to breathe, she drifted to the kitchen and took up her phone.
Walk home with me tomorrow?
The non–answer wasn't a non–answer at all. It wasn't a yes. It wasn't a no. Hannu hadn't been lying when he said he needed to think about it.
Maybe it would be a yes.
Paju turned toward the window. Glanced at the door. Thought about throwing on her boots and running after him –
No. Better not. If he needed time, let him have it.
In the end, her reply was simple: Yes.
The next afternoon, Paju stood outside the Kuikka store once again. Looked in once again, taking in the warmth and the light.
It was mild out. She had foregone her hat, let her hair loose. It looked better that way. She had taken care with it, styled it to look just right, the long curls spilling over her shoulders.
Maybe it wouldn't matter. Maybe the answer she would get would be a no. But it was the principle of the thing.
Maybe it would be a yes.
Hannu was there again. This time, the windows didn't show her the silent laughter that she saw yesterday. Instead, he looked distracted, on edge, glancing at his watch and then glancing at it again, even if the time was hardly any different from when he had looked at it two seconds ago. Eventually, she saw him mutter something to Ville, and leave to get his coat.
He stepped out the door a moment later.
"Hi," Paju said, moving into the light spilling out from the building.
For a moment, Hannu hesitated on the steps, looking almost as if he were thinking of turning around and going back inside. As if he were thinking of making up some lie about how he'd forgotten he was working overtime today. But that flicker of expression lasted only a second. In the end, he came down the steps to join her. "Hey," he said. "You're coming with me?"
"Yes. I said so last night, didn't I."
"Right." Hannu shifted from one foot to the other. Looked up at the sky. "It's nice tonight. Let's take the long way."
The long way was quieter, more isolated. Fewer people. Fewer lights. The sky was bright, cloudless, full of stars. Paju walked beside him and said nothing.
She waited.
Hannu was taking too long. It bothered her. He couldn't still be thinking it over, could he?
She wondered if she should talk. If she should say something. No. Maybe not. He wouldn't take it the right way if she pushed him. But maybe she could do something.
Slowly, she took her hands out of her pockets. Then she carefully stepped close to him and let her hand brush against his.
It was a ghost of a touch. Hardly anything.
One second passed, then two, and as she was thinking of putting her hand back into her pocket, Hannu closed his hand around hers.
"Wait," he said, and stopped.
She stopped too. "Yes?"
Looking at him in the moon's light, she could see that he looked less uncertain than he had the night before. At the least, that stunned, panicked look was gone.
He hadn't let go of her hand.
"About what you asked me last night...."
"Yes?"
"I had to think it over." Hannu couldn't meet her eyes at first. He looked up. Down. Anywhere but at her face. "I never really...." Hesitated.
Just say yes, Paju thought, trying to rein in her impatience, trying to steady the feeling that still twisted in her chest. He was taking his time. Taking too long. Going about it in too roundabout a way. Just say it, she thought, and knit her fingers with his, felt him squeeze her hand in response.
"Never really...?"
"Never thought –" A pause. He looked at her, finally, his eyes wide and nervous. He hesitated again. Then sighed – more at himself than at her, by the sound of it – and stepped close, closing the distance between them.
As Hannu kissed her, she reached for his other hand, grabbed it and gripped it, determined to keep him there as if afraid that he would second–guess it, overthink it, pull away and change his mind.
But he didn't. He linked his fingers with hers, he stayed close, and even when the kiss drew to a close and they parted, he didn't pull away. Instead, he only moved back enough that they could look at one another properly.
"So," Paju said. "That's a yes?"
"Yeah. It is." Hannu paused, looking as if he wanted to say more, but didn't know what. There was something in his eyes that she had only rarely seen; something almost like shyness. "I mean – if you want to try this out."
Slowly, Paju let go of his hands, instead moving hers up to cup his narrow face. She brushed his hair out of his eyes, grazed her thumb over his cheek.
There were things she could say. Things she wanted to say. Things like Of course I want to try it – do you really have no idea? or I've felt this way for years, and you've honestly never noticed?!
It was best, she decided, to leave that until later, to let it rest until another time. Another day. She could give him a tongue–lashing for being so dense later.
Instead, she simply said, "Yes. I do want to." And as she saw the smile tugging at the corner of his lips, she closed the distance between them again.
They walked home in the afternoon's dark. The moon was bright on the snow, pale and glistening. Paju kept her hands out of her pockets, let them dangle, and eventually cool fingers linked with her own.
They walked together, and he didn't let go.
End
Fandom: A Redtail's Dream
Characters/Pairing: Paju/Hannu
Rating: E for Everyone
Length: 2.1k
Summary: She's been wanting to say it for a long time. Tonight's as good a night as any. Isn't it?
Other: Written for Daéa. :D
One Word Is All I Need
Snow. Light. A crisp black sky. The solstice had passed weeks ago, but the winter dark still lingered.
It was a warm afternoon, nearly evening. Warm enough to snow, the fat fluffy flakes falling down, catching in the light from the streetlamps. Catching, too, in the golden glow that spilled out from the windows of the Kuikka general store.
Paju stood outside, pausing as if thinking of something, as if trying to remember what she had come to pick up. But that wasn't the reason she had for lingering there. Her gaze swept up to the windows.
She could see Hannu in there, slacking in the last few minutes of his shift. Talking to Ville, who would stay a while longer after he left. Paju knew this, had been noting their schedules, had been observing these details for a while now.
As she watched, Hannu smiled. It must have been at something Ville had said. It was a good look for him. He did it more now; in the past year, she had seen him smile more than she ever had before. He seemed happy, far happier than he used to be.
He looked happy today, too.
Why not today, then? Paju thought about it for a moment. Ran through the approaches she had considered, the lines she had practiced to herself.
Today was as good a time as any. All right, then.
Up the steps. Into the store. Light and sound and warmth, a contrast to the outside's crisp darkness. She bought the bread she had come to get, and fended off Joona's suggestion that she stay and chat a while.
"You might be on break again," she said, "but I'm busy. I need to get home." And as Hannu passed, she called out to him. "Hannu!"
He stopped, looking toward her, coat half zipped and hat shoved on his head, his expression one that suggested he couldn't really decide whether he should stop or keep walking.
Typical of him.
"We're going in the same direction. Let's walk together."
"... Uh. Okay."
A pause. "And do up your coat. It's cold out there."
The night was quiet. Silent, compared to the noise inside the store. Their feet crunched the snow as they went.
Hannu said nothing, going with his hands in his pockets, his head up, looking toward the stars.
Paju bit at her lower lip. Recalled, again, all the ways that she had decided this could go. The ways that it should go.
Now was as good a time as any.
"Hannu?"
"...Yeah?"
"Is there anyone you're interested in?"
"What?"
"Romantically."
He stopped. She stopped, too. Turning to face him, she looked him over. There was a startled look on his angular face, like a deer caught in headlights.
"What?" he asked again, and Paju had to hold back the impulse to strangle him.
I'm going to get nowhere if this keeps up, she thought. At times, even at the best of times, Hannu was not the brightest young man she had ever met. He was having one of those moments now.
Maybe words weren't the best approach, she thought. Maybe something else would work better.
Steeling herself, she braced her nerves, and stepped closer. Just half a step. Close enough to do what she needed to do; close enough to lean in and graze a kiss against his cheek. Maybe it would be enough to get him to take the hint.
Then she stepped back. Breathed in a deep gulp of cold air and ignored the way her insides twisted and turned. "Well?"
It was hard to read his face. What little light there was in the air played thinly over it, obscuring his expression. "I didn't know you felt that way," he muttered after a moment.
"How–" How could you not know?! She wanted to scream it at him. Instead she bit her tongue. She had thought she had been obvious about it, had been making herself clear for years. How could he not have seen it?! "And how do you feel about it?"
Another long pause. "I need to think about it."
"You don't know?!"
"I need," he repeated, more firmly this time, "to think about it."
They stared at each other in the dim light. Paju seethed, unsure what was worse – that she had stepped forward to begin with, or that she had received a non–answer. Finally, Hannu sighed and stuffed his hands in his pockets again, expression settling down to something more familiar: fed up and tired.
"Come on," he said, nodding down the sidewalk. "I'll walk you home."
Paju pursed her lips. A part of her wanted to refuse, wanted to toss her hair and tell him to just go by himself. But there was no point; they were going in the same direction.
"Fine."
"... Fine."
They said nothing the rest of the way. There was nothing but the crack of snow underfoot, the whistle of a breeze as the wind kicked up, the huff of their breath in the cold.
Paju faced straight ahead, not bothering to glance at him even once, feeling icy and disappointed.
They stopped outside her house. Paju frowned. Glanced at him. Thought, but did not say: You still have a chance.
Hannu seemed to know what she meant by that look. His expression flickered. But he said nothing about that; simply gave her a nod and a wave.
"See you later," he said.
"... See you."
Door. Inside. Light. Warmth pressing to her icy face, her frozen cheeks, like the kiss she had wanted but hadn't received. Paju shut the door hard, nearly slammed it, and leaned back against it for a moment, biting her lip and screwing her eyes shut and letting the snow on her boots melt into the mat.
Something inside of her was wound up too tight. Something she couldn't quite place, nestled deep inside her chest. It was like a tightly–coiled spring, twisted so hard that it could break at any moment.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Fine, she thought. It doesn't matter. He's an idiot and it doesn't matter.
Coat off. Boots off. Bread in the kitchen. She put the coffee on. Breathed in as the scent filled the room.
She paced through the house. Glanced, after a moment, out the wide front window.
There was a figure out there in the dark, pacing up and down the sidewalk, hands in his pockets, head down, as if deep in thought.
She watched. Hannu stopped. Pulled something out of his pocket. The bright screen from the phone illuminated his pale face for a moment, his expression too unclear and far away to read.
In the kitchen, she heard her phone ping a text message.
She waited, watching as he shoved his phone back in his pocket, ran an uncertain hand through his hair, then trudged off toward his house. Barely willing to breathe, she drifted to the kitchen and took up her phone.
Walk home with me tomorrow?
The non–answer wasn't a non–answer at all. It wasn't a yes. It wasn't a no. Hannu hadn't been lying when he said he needed to think about it.
Maybe it would be a yes.
Paju turned toward the window. Glanced at the door. Thought about throwing on her boots and running after him –
No. Better not. If he needed time, let him have it.
In the end, her reply was simple: Yes.
The next afternoon, Paju stood outside the Kuikka store once again. Looked in once again, taking in the warmth and the light.
It was mild out. She had foregone her hat, let her hair loose. It looked better that way. She had taken care with it, styled it to look just right, the long curls spilling over her shoulders.
Maybe it wouldn't matter. Maybe the answer she would get would be a no. But it was the principle of the thing.
Maybe it would be a yes.
Hannu was there again. This time, the windows didn't show her the silent laughter that she saw yesterday. Instead, he looked distracted, on edge, glancing at his watch and then glancing at it again, even if the time was hardly any different from when he had looked at it two seconds ago. Eventually, she saw him mutter something to Ville, and leave to get his coat.
He stepped out the door a moment later.
"Hi," Paju said, moving into the light spilling out from the building.
For a moment, Hannu hesitated on the steps, looking almost as if he were thinking of turning around and going back inside. As if he were thinking of making up some lie about how he'd forgotten he was working overtime today. But that flicker of expression lasted only a second. In the end, he came down the steps to join her. "Hey," he said. "You're coming with me?"
"Yes. I said so last night, didn't I."
"Right." Hannu shifted from one foot to the other. Looked up at the sky. "It's nice tonight. Let's take the long way."
The long way was quieter, more isolated. Fewer people. Fewer lights. The sky was bright, cloudless, full of stars. Paju walked beside him and said nothing.
She waited.
Hannu was taking too long. It bothered her. He couldn't still be thinking it over, could he?
She wondered if she should talk. If she should say something. No. Maybe not. He wouldn't take it the right way if she pushed him. But maybe she could do something.
Slowly, she took her hands out of her pockets. Then she carefully stepped close to him and let her hand brush against his.
It was a ghost of a touch. Hardly anything.
One second passed, then two, and as she was thinking of putting her hand back into her pocket, Hannu closed his hand around hers.
"Wait," he said, and stopped.
She stopped too. "Yes?"
Looking at him in the moon's light, she could see that he looked less uncertain than he had the night before. At the least, that stunned, panicked look was gone.
He hadn't let go of her hand.
"About what you asked me last night...."
"Yes?"
"I had to think it over." Hannu couldn't meet her eyes at first. He looked up. Down. Anywhere but at her face. "I never really...." Hesitated.
Just say yes, Paju thought, trying to rein in her impatience, trying to steady the feeling that still twisted in her chest. He was taking his time. Taking too long. Going about it in too roundabout a way. Just say it, she thought, and knit her fingers with his, felt him squeeze her hand in response.
"Never really...?"
"Never thought –" A pause. He looked at her, finally, his eyes wide and nervous. He hesitated again. Then sighed – more at himself than at her, by the sound of it – and stepped close, closing the distance between them.
As Hannu kissed her, she reached for his other hand, grabbed it and gripped it, determined to keep him there as if afraid that he would second–guess it, overthink it, pull away and change his mind.
But he didn't. He linked his fingers with hers, he stayed close, and even when the kiss drew to a close and they parted, he didn't pull away. Instead, he only moved back enough that they could look at one another properly.
"So," Paju said. "That's a yes?"
"Yeah. It is." Hannu paused, looking as if he wanted to say more, but didn't know what. There was something in his eyes that she had only rarely seen; something almost like shyness. "I mean – if you want to try this out."
Slowly, Paju let go of his hands, instead moving hers up to cup his narrow face. She brushed his hair out of his eyes, grazed her thumb over his cheek.
There were things she could say. Things she wanted to say. Things like Of course I want to try it – do you really have no idea? or I've felt this way for years, and you've honestly never noticed?!
It was best, she decided, to leave that until later, to let it rest until another time. Another day. She could give him a tongue–lashing for being so dense later.
Instead, she simply said, "Yes. I do want to." And as she saw the smile tugging at the corner of his lips, she closed the distance between them again.
They walked home in the afternoon's dark. The moon was bright on the snow, pale and glistening. Paju kept her hands out of her pockets, let them dangle, and eventually cool fingers linked with her own.
They walked together, and he didn't let go.
End
